What is more alluring ~ the pleasure derived before ~ from the thoughts and thereafter ~ from treading, the forbidden paths Or the pain which comes after ?
Nevertheless, seemingly,no one can bar u from visiting those forbidden paths, of material and mind, to feel that dual rush of pleasure and pain !!
This morning, I saw the waters strewn with the fresh-cut grass and the blown away leaves. And then, in the evening, it was one big flowing,rippling body of molten gold,crystal clear…and in my mind,it substantiated,yet again…that it’s in motion, almost alive ~ ~
On a different note ~ Moving, is one of those things, which u never get used to,no matter how many times u go thru’ the whole process of packing & unpacking. For me, the only part interesting is looking for a new abode….and that comes with it’s usual hitches…a house of ur interest might suddenly become no longer available,leaving u dejected and irritated to go thru’ the process of sifting thru’ the list,shortlisting and shortlisting yet again...
A single word and it makes u wonder what myriads of emotions,thoughts & meanings it can bring about in
Moving is exciting…new place, new people,new opportunities,new life, fresh start…a new promise of a better tomorrow, almost as if the magical touch of an “ undo “ button lets u start afresh with a clean slate ~ ~
Well, it’s better to think of it that way,to block out the pains of discarding,choosing,deciding to take or not to take and what to take,packing and then unpacking…and organizing,assembling…those inescapable chores and drudgeries !!
And then the fear of going away from people u love to socialize with, things u love to do and those specific times of the day when u did them….everything gets topsy-turvy with this one hit of a “ moving “ button…
But still,u move and keep on moving…bcoz that’s the nature of life..moving forward~ towards
The ripples ….big and small ….some persist, some fade away…in the fluid of one’s memory !! I watched the rain-soaked bunches of the royal Poinciana,almost washed off it’s color…the puddles of water everywhere…and the next day, the ducks were so happy !! The dragonflies buzzed around ….the sun shone brightly and the golden waters…with it’s fluid gold ripples,flowing not knowing where it’ll meet it’s end …
Some thing stays with u, however hard u try to erase …Some things stay with u and haunt u pleasantly…with an urge to go back to them again…Things left undone,unsaid,unseen- accomplish them,or places that u shudn't go back to, going back to them …Some days even the twilight,the oncoming dusk,the balcony,the trees,the trilling birds doesn’t take away the weird stifling…Maybe an escapade would do the trick ~ ~
And so I watched Rebecca again…and the concluding part haunted me even more this time. I felt almost foolishly sad ~ there wud be no Manderley for me !! And no such memories where one can escape momentarily ~ memories where one had passed one’s time smelling the azaleas, listening to the waves crashing against the rocks, to the long walks on the lush grounds….No,I can’t smell the azaleas once again…not even in my memories..bcoz there was never a Manderley for me ~ * ~
This misty, foggy day….blurring everything but ur memories are distinct ~ of all those rain-soaked mornings and gloomy afternoons…so much distinct that u even remember clearly that dad and u had a special term for such days. The evenings were gloomy adding to it’s eerie romanticism…of the last drops dripping from the foliage, of the dampness, of the crickets chirping, of the rain lilies-yellow,pink,white~ lining the concrete pathway of ur mom’s garden- the drooping ones, those barely survived the stampede of the harsh, forceful rain and the few strong ones,swaying proudly in the zephyr…and then memories of the newly-formed puddles and muddy footmarks of dad coming home at the end of yet another day at work ~ ~ The creeping vines, full of mist-kissed buds and renewed hopes to bloom sooner and better…
And then, yet so many memories,which keep receding and getting foggier with each passing day…and will disappear suddenly but come mysteriously back one day,maybe…. The signal turns green and u had to keep moving, homeward…with churned-up thoughts and infiltrating the present mist and the fog ~ ~ ~
